the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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