what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
