I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
