You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
