1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
