The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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