I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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