at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
