I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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