hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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