u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
