I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
