I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
