i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
This is my gift to your gina
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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