I think I died a long time ago.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
