I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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