You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
