oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
