My liver just broke up with me...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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