shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he was CRYING into my vagina
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
