dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize