I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
