I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
