Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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