I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
two words...techno handjob
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
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