My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i came on her dog
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
