Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
