Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
