I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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