If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
