I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
