Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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