I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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