Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
