This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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