I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
