She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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