Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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