so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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