we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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