She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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