He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My pussy is not your playground.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
