is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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