WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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