im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize