"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize