i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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