Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
