please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
