I wish my penis had an off switch
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
