im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
