I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
