I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
